i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Less talking, more tequila
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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