i need an iv and a liver transplant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
