I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
