Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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