I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
