Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
