Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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