plz talk dirty to me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
