I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize