So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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