Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize