I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
