I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
