Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
