Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
