Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
