The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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