If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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