They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
