come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
