your room smells of hookers.
And success
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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