Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
