I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
