My nipple is on Facebook.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize