Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize