i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
