i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
