Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Blood and glitter go together right?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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