Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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