Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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