Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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