I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize