Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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