my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
organizing the empties. That sober.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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