My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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