I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
