also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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