I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
