the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
