I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize