im six kinds of drunk right now
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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