$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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