It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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