if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
