I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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