The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
