Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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