This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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