True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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