tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
