I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
