I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
