can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
