I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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