i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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