theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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