here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
