I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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