I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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