I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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