You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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