He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
