My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
