Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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