Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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