I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize